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“For, “All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever.” And this is the word that was preached to you.” — 1 Peter 1:24-25 Listen to chapter . Powered by BibleGateway.com.

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Wisdom Hunters – Forgiving Dad : 智慧猎人 – 原谅父亲

Forgiving Dad

Written by Shana Schutte

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Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

My dad had a winsome personality. He could easily make friends with strangers. He was a talented writer and draftsman. He liked to make people laugh and was always ready to share a joke. But just like me, just like all of us, everything about him wasn’t positive. He wasn’t the greatest dad. When I hear women talk about how their dad was emotionally tender toward them, how he always remembered their birthdays, and treated them specially, I can’t relate. My dad was present, but emotionally absent. His body was in our home, but his affection was lacking and I grew up feeling that my father was passive in his love for me.

I always felt I had forgiven him, and when he passed away in 2005, I still felt at peace about his relationship with me and my siblings even though I wasn’t happy about it. I thought, “He did the best he could with the tools that he had.”

Then I married and for the first time in my entire life I started to feel angry about the way my father had been emotionally uninvolved with me and my siblings, how he made us feel that we were a financial burden, how he put his life and entertainment ahead of us, and how he was unfaithful to our mother. The stark contrast between the way my husband cared for his girls and the way my father cared for us was huge, and that contrast reminded me of why I had many of the troubles I did in my twenties and thirties with men, money, and life direction. I felt I’d been set up.

I got angry and I felt the hurt of being emotionally neglected. And instead of feeling like I had forgiven my father, I started to feel some bitterness toward him. This was new as I always felt I had forgiven him.

One day, I heard a podcast that helped me turn a corner and begin to let go of the hurt I felt in my relationship with my father. During the podcast, a guest talked about reframing our negative life experiences. She said that in all of our stories, we develop a narrative about ourselves, others, and the situation we experienced. For example, “This person was bad” “I was dumb” “I failed and will always fail.” And in my case (on days when I allowed my flesh to rule me), “My father was a jerk and he didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved which is why I made some pretty stupid decisions in my life.”

As a part of reframing one’s experiences, the guest suggested taking another look at what happened to you by infusing compassion into your story to see yourself through gentler lenses and by looking at others with greater compassion too. That sounded like Jesus, so I thought I would give it a try.

When I took at a look at my relationship with my father through the gentle lens of compassion, I felt so sad for him. He had always felt like the black sheep in his family. He felt like he couldn’t succeed in life and these wounds of inadequacy made him search for significance everywhere else but in our family. And, he was so very young when he became my dad. He was just twenty-two. A babe indeed.

What came out of seeing my dad with compassionate eyes was a feeling of love for him. I found my way back to my dad, but this time in a more honest way. I love my father and I know he loved me. He just didn’t know how to give us what we needed. But he did the best he could with the tools he had been given, just like we all do.

As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I forgive my father. And, I rejoice that I will one day see him in heaven and we will have the relationship I have always wanted. And, in the meantime, I will remember he gave me so many good gifts and I received many of his good traits. And, the struggles I experienced because of his influence have made me who I am today. God has used them for my good and definitely for His glory.

What about you? Are you holding some bitterness or unforgiveness toward someone for how they hurt you? Go back and look at the situation and try to understand their perspective with compassion. Then, be gentle with yourself too. Finally, remember that God is always at work to bring good out of bad, no matter what happens in our lives.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

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Prayer

Lord, I know that most people are doing the best that they can in their lives. Sometimes they hurt others because of their own hurt. Help me to remember this and see them with loving eyes of compassion. And help me to forgive myself for how their life has negatively affected mine. Please help me to remember that you work all things for good. Amen.

Application

If someone has hurt you and you are holding a grudge toward them, write a letter expressing your sorrow for their pain and let them know you forgive them.

彼此友善同情,彼此宽容,就像基督上帝原谅你一样。以弗所书4:32

我父亲性格开朗。他可以轻松地与陌生人交朋友。他是一位才华横溢的作家和制图员。他喜欢让人开怀大笑,并且随时准备开个玩笑。但是像我一样,像我们所有人一样,关于他的一切都不是积极的。他不是最伟大的父亲。当我听到妇女谈论她们的父亲对她们的情感温柔时,他如何始终记得她们的生日并特别对待她们时,我无法与之联系。我父亲在场,但感情上却不在。他的身体在我们家里,但他缺乏感情,我长大后觉得父亲对我的爱是被动的。

我一直觉得我已经原谅了他,当他于2005年去世时,即使我对此并不满意,我仍然对他与我及其兄弟姐妹的关系感到安宁。我以为,“他用自己拥有的工具竭尽所能。”

然后我结婚了,这是我一生中第一次对父亲与我和我的兄弟姐妹失去感情的方式,他如何使我们感到自己是经济负担,他如何生活和娱乐活动摆在我们面前,以及他如何对我们的母亲不忠。丈夫照顾女儿的方式与父亲照顾我们的方式之间形成了鲜明的对比,这种对比使我想起了为什么我在二十多岁和三十多岁的时候遇到了很多麻烦,男人,钱和生活方向。我觉得我已经准备好了。

我很生气,感到被情感忽视的伤害。我不再觉得自己原谅了父亲,反而开始对他有些痛苦。这是新事物,因为我一直觉得自己已经原谅了他。

有一天,我听到一个播客,该播客帮助我扭转了局面,开始摆脱与父亲的关系给我带来的伤害。在播客中,一位嘉宾谈到了重新塑造我们负面生活的经历。她说,在我们所有的故事中,我们都对自己,他人和经历的情况进行了叙述。例如,“此人是坏人”,“我很笨”,“我失败了,并且永远都会失败。”就我而言(在我允许我的肉统治我的日子里),“我父亲是个混蛋,他不喜欢我需要被爱的方式,这就是为什么我在生活中做出一些非常愚蠢的决定的原因。 ”

作为重塑个人经历的一部分,客人建议通过将同情心注入故事中,以柔和的眼光看待自己,并以更大的同情心看待其他人,从而对您发生的事情进行另一番观察。听起来像耶稣,所以我想尝试一下。

当我用慈悲的眼光看待我与父亲的关系时,我为他感到难过。他一直觉得自己像家中的败类。他觉得自己无法成功,而这些不足的创伤使他在家人以外的其他地方都寻求意义。而且,当他成为我父亲时还很小。他只有二十二岁。的确是一个宝贝。

充满同情心的眼神见到我父亲,就是对他的爱的感觉。我回到父亲身边,但是这次是更诚实的方式。我爱我的父亲,我知道他爱我。他只是不知道如何给我们我们需要的东西。但是,就像我们所有人一样,他使用已提供的工具尽了最大的努力。

当我写这篇文章时,眼泪从我的脸上流下来。我原谅我父亲。而且,我很高兴有一天能在天堂见到他,我们将拥有我一直想要的关系。而且,与此同时,我会记得他给了我很多好礼物,而我也收到了他的许多优点。而且,由于他的影响而经历的斗争使我成为了今天的我。上帝为了我的利益而使用了它们,并且绝对是为了荣耀。

你呢?您是否因某人对您的伤害而感到痛苦或宽恕?回去看看情况,并尝试以同情心了解他们的看法。然后,也要对自己保持温柔。最后,请记住,无论我们生活中发生什么,上帝总是在努力从坏中带来好处。

“他医治了伤心的人,并束缚了他们的伤口”(诗篇147:3)。

祷告
主啊,我知道大多数人正在尽其所能。有时他们因为自己的伤害而伤害了他人。帮助我记住这一点,并以慈悲的慈悲之眼看到他们。并帮助我原谅自己的生活对我的生活产生了负面影响。请帮助我记住,您所做的一切都是好事。阿们

应用
如果有人伤害了您并且您对他们怀恨在心,请写一封信表达对他们的痛苦的悲伤,让他们知道您原谅他们。

相关阅读
使徒行传17:26;马可福音11:25;马太福音18:21-22

查阅博伊德最新的40天灵修书:智慧生活。

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